I sit on the train facing backwards. The lights slide by the windows like a sci-fi movie warp speed. The train is full and for the first time in weeks I look at the faces of people on the train with me. The absurdity of the whole situation strikes me and I have to suppress my giggles. The car is full, I can see I to the car behind us and that car is full too. We are all silent. No one even sees me looking the full in the face because we have trained ours selves to look through people. We are hurtling at top speed - no seat belts! - towards very important jobs. In all likelihood we are all heading to grab a cup of coffee and to see what's happening on the internet since we left it yesterday. But we all take it so seriously.
Another subway morning, this time contemplating death. I'm not religious, I don't believe in an afterlife. If you ask me, this is it. The only thing we leave behind is traces and objects, and those slowly fade and break and then it's truly over. I miss my grandparents. I try to call up very particular details about them. Butterscotch pudding and lotto tickets and wearing the sweatshirt that said "Nana" in puff paint that I made when I was four until she died. I like to print pictures and use film so there is an object. That one day someone will look at them and say "Look how young they were. They look so happy." When I'm at flea markets I love to look through the pictures for sale and imagine their lives. I have a file folder full of the ones I can't resist, other peoples long ago vacations and little happinesses.
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